Why do some people think that “No offense, but…” or “I’m not trying to be rude, but…” allows them to say whatever they want? It’s almost always followed by something offensive and/or rude. I’ve run into this with my students a lot, which is somewhat acceptable (but no less annoying) because scientifically their brains are still developing. The filters that adults have, that (usually) keep us from blurting out everything that we think as soon as it comes to us, haven’t fully developed yet in the teenage brain. This is one of the things that makes working with teenagers so “exciting.” It’s also contributed to me being on a first name basis with a few local bartenders. In my classroom, I have heard things like, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t think you know what you’re talking about,” or “No offense, but I hate your class,” or “I’m not trying to be mean, but your outfit doesn’t match at all,” or “No offense, but the sound of your voice is starting to make me want to throw up.”
Oh no, don’t worry. No offense taken!
The worst part is I’m not allowed to retaliate, as a professional. It’s such a horrible double standard. They can say whatever they want to me, with minimal consequences (comparatively). I might send them to time out, they’ll get detention, and depending on what words they use, they could get suspended. If I were to turn my filter off for just one day, I would be on the news. I would be on the Youtube. My career would be over. All I can do to comfort myself is to parade the few double standards that exist in my favor at work. You better believe I enforce the no food or drink policy like a hawk in my classroom, only so I can drink delicious coffee and eat whatever I want in front of my students. (Don’t judge me, judger. I do what I can).
It’s not just my students that have this strange belief in a social get out of jail free card. There are plenty of adults that suffer from the same delusions, only they don’t have the excuse of an under-developed frontal lobe. Everyone knows someone that has no qualms about cutting the people around them down, but they think it’s okay because they tack a “sweet heart,” “honey,” or “darling” to the end of it. This combined with a saccharine tone flouts normal social cues and often leaves you wondering, for a split second, if you should hug the person, or karate chop them in the throat. For example: “Well honey, I’d love you help you out, but frankly I can’t handle your inability to ever do anything right. I’m actually a little surprised, sweet heart, that you were able to get your pants on this morning, as lost as you seem right now. No offense darling, but sometimes I think you might be slightly autistic.” I’m confused. Your voice sounds nice but your words are mean. By the time I figure out just how offended I should be, the offender is long gone, leaving behind a cloud of disorienting, cruel, and unusual juxtaposition.
And these people are always incredulously surprised when you do get offended. “But I said no offense!” Yes, I know, but then you also said something very offensive. It’s not like multiplying two negatives; they don’t cancel each other out. These people seem to be under the delusion that offering a preamble for their blatant and impolite honesty makes it impossible for their words to sting. They believe they’ve attached some type of parachute to their words that won’t allow them to plummet, fast and hard to a cold, concrete surface of hurt feelings. Instead they’ll land softly in a little patch of lush, green, and appreciative grass, surrounded by a free range hog farm, and people clapping softly, waiting to hug them around the neck. (Sorry…I took this metaphor a little too far).
I wonder how these people feel about this when they are driving home or lying in their beds, reflecting on their day. Do they congratulate themselves for being the only true friend that would have the guts and kindness to tell that girl to her face that her pants are about three sizes too small, and that the only place a muffin top should be found is behind the bakery counter at Panera Bread, no offense? Do these I-don’t-mean-to-be-rude-no-offenders wonder why more people aren’t as willing to tell it like it is and save everyone the heartache of living in blissful ignorance with an iota of self-esteem and self-worth? I wonder if some of them actually do think to themselves, “Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have said that,” as they pull their foot out of their mouth before dinner with their husband or wife who, not to be rude, looks like he/she has put on about fifteen pounds since Christmas. Probably not because, no offense, they are too oblivious and unaware of others’ feelings to realize just how cruel their words actually are.
Plus, they said no offense.
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