Strange Little Collecting Project

I think this is my least favorite commercial in the world. And I don't just hate this commercial because now I know that they make skinny jeans for small children. I hate this commercial because it reminds me that so many parents want their kid's approval more than then want their respect. Now of course this is coming from someone who doesn't have any children, so what do I know? But I do spend a lot of my time 10 months out of the year with other people's children, so shouldn't that buy me just a little credibility? You're right...probably not, but I'm going to keep going anyway. "Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you have to be lame." I couldn't disagree more. It seems like as a parent, it is your responsibility to be lame. Growing up, my brother and I had parking spots for our bikes in the garage. I don't just mean that we had a place in general where we usually left our bikes. We literally had parking spots.

I'm taking a short break from my research paper grading Iron(wo)man competition (because it is so much longer than a marathon folks) if only to remind myself that sentences don't have to start with either the words "therefore," "however," or "this." I am currently in hour 27 of my research paper grading experience this semester. Don't worry; this wasn't consecutive...if that were the case I would be twitching too much for homerow keys, or weeping too much to see the screen. I think I still have about 18-20 hours left. For once, I am not exaggerating. You might think I'm lying unless you are also an English teacher, but I really am not lying. 90 students, 30 minutes per paper...that's 45 hours. I'm keeping a log of the time I am spending grading research papers this year, either because I am spiteful or simply curious (you can decide which one based on your own disposition and outlook on life). If my sentence structure is

It’s no big surprise that college tuition has increased over the last decade. In fact it has doubled. According to The College Board, the national average during the 2002-2003 school year was $4,081 for in-state students at a 4-year public university. Now the national average is $8,244. These increases become even more dramatic—and disheartening—when you consider that the average cost in 1972 was around $2,000. Increases that used to take 30 years have now happened within 10. Over the past few years North Carolina has provided some protection for students from tuition spikes. UNC system schools have not been allowed to raise their tuition higher than 6.5% each year…until now. This week the NC Board of Governors has lifted the cap on tuition increases. In other words, schools can raise tuition as much as they want. Already UNC-Chapel Hill is discussing the possibility of a 44% increase to be spread across a few years. Current freshmen could essentially be paying 44% more for

There’s nothing like a trip on a plane to remind me how neurotic I am. I’m not a frequent flyer (what person on a teacher salary is?) but I’ve flown enough to not be able to tell you how many times I’ve flown. I’ve also flown enough to know that I don’t like it, and I’m not good at it. And usually when I buy a plane ticket, I am so excited about whatever trip I’m going on that I forget how much I hate flying…until I get to the airport. I don’t know if this is entirely because I’m neurotic as hell; I think it’s also because of my job. I spend at least 3 hours of each work day reading books where most of the details have some sort of deeper meaning. My inability to fly without imagining myself holding hands with the stranger across the aisle as we plummet to a fiery death of metal and jet-fuel is directly related to my constant interaction with literary devices. (And here’s another example of how reading can ruin my life). I start looking for a deeper meaning in all the details o

Sometimes I think that the critical part of my brain is killing the creative part. It’s like the more analytical I become, the less likely I am to take risks and try something innovative or different. Anything I create now is viewed through an analytical lens in real time, and so most of my writing projects never get off the ground. I probably have 800 files in my computer or on flash drives that are no more than 500 words. Sometimes they are just a sentence. I would have an idea about something I wanted to write, but then I would get wrapped up in the “how” or “why” of the whole thing; before I could stop myself, I would completely lose the “what” that brought me there in the first place. Analysis creates indecision creates stagnation. Barf. It wasn’t always this way. I started writing short stories when I was in the 3rd grade. I still have most of them in an old Five-Star notebook and anytime I do serious cleaning, I get side-tracked. I can’t stop myself from re-reading al

Dear Tall People that Frequent Live Music Events without Stadium Seating, Please do me a favor. (Who am I you might ask? I am a stranger, but I typically get along with most people that I meet. So there’s probably a 66% chance (at least) that if we knew each other, we would have mutual respect and benevolent feelings towards one another. So go ahead and do this favor for me. Consider it a down-payment on our friendship). Turn around and look down. Is there anyone standing immediately behind you that is at least 8-12 inches shorter than you are? If the answer to this question is yes, please be willing to admit to yourself that you are severely hampering this person’s ability to enjoy the concert that is happening a few feet in front of your face. You know, your face that sits squarely on your shoulders a good six feet above the ground? It would be oh-so-kind of you to ask this smaller statured person, and his/her smaller statured friends if they would like to stand in front of

I always find it exhilarating when I read something in an older book or essay and discover that what was being observed hundreds of years ago about society can still be seen today. There is a strange sense of reassurance when I realize that other people have come up with the same observations about the world as I have (even though they’ve written about them with a lot more skill and a lot fewer parenthesis…and ellipses). It’s also comforting to see in these older texts that even though the world has changed dramatically, people are still basically the same. Despite the huge forces that have hit society with natural disaster strength like industry, capitalism, the invention of the car and airplane, revolutions, wars, actual natural disasters, or the internet (our century’s version of a (virtual) Industrial Revolution), people are still universally the same at their cores. This is one of the reasons why I enjoy ancient literature like The Epic of Gilgamesh; it’s comforting to know th

I know what you’re thinking. “It’s mighty early in the school-year for an education rant.” (And if that’s not what you were thinking, it is now). But I just can’t help it. It’s not that I’m trying to be negative and pessimistic. It’s not that I want to be a Debbie-Downer. But as a pragmatist, North Carolina’s “balanced” budget really gets under my skin. And it itches. And yes, I know. When something itches, you’re not supposed to scratch it because in the long run that just makes it itch more. But sometimes scratching it just feels so good, even if it’s just for a minute or two. And it’s especially hard to ignore the itch when you have nothing to distract you from it. Usually my students draw the attention away from that bureaucratic crawl that gets under my skin every year, but teacher workdays don’t give you much distraction. They actually fuel the fire with endless and copious meetings, followed by a meeting to discuss the previous meeting, in which you will plan a foll

I have a very strange love-hate relationship with Facebook. Mostly because I hate how much I love it. I know deep down that my life would probably be more enriched and balanced if I didn’t spend a little bit of time each day on the Facebook. I know deep down that by not deleting my account I am simply giving into some self-serving, egotistical need to spy on people and be spied on. But I also know I am not alone. And before you go and get yourself all upset and offended, I also know there are other reasons why I use Facebook. It’s the easiest way for me to stay in touch with my friends who live all over the place. I can keep up with everyone without really keeping up with anything except a password. But I’ve also noticed that keeping up with the Facebook has allowed me to observe certain linguistic trends. (Yeah, this is me making a super pretentious and scholarly observation about something that isn’t scholarly. Cut me some slack; I’m starting my masters this month and I need

This summer I’ve been reading a book that I have started to describe as a labor of love. It’s not an easy book to read; last week it took me over 3 hours to read 22 pages. I have to have two bookmarks when I read it, one to mark the page I am reading, and one to mark the endnotes that explain the obscure historical and biblical allusions that are all over the place. I’ve been reading The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky (even pronouncing the author’s last name is a challenge for me and I sound stupid when I do it…and I practiced). I like to read challenging books though because it’s like lifting weights. If I keep lifting with lighter books all the time, I won’t get any stronger (smarter), but the more I lift with heavier books, the stronger my muscles get. And since I spend ten out of twelve months doing reps with the same books I’ve been reading for years, I worry that I’m not growing as much as I could, so summer is a time for strength training so to speak. And if I keep read

I didn’t’ expect to spend my first day of summer break thinking about next school year. But I also didn’t expect the State of North Carolina to pass their anti-education budget yesterday. After the budget passed, the State of North Carolina became 49th in the nation with spending per pupil. Last year we spent about $8,300 per student and with this new budget we will be spending $7,800 per student. That sounds like a lot of money but when you consider that the national average is $10,500, North Carolina still falls short. That amount becomes even less significant when you look at how much money North Carolina spends per inmate each year. According to the North Carolina Department of Correction website, during the 2009-2010 fiscal year, NC spent over 23,000 for each minimum security prisoner, over 27,000 for each medium custody prisoner, and over 32,000 dollars for each high security prisoner. I’m bad at math, but even I was able to figure out that the Senators and Representat

I’ve always been a very indecisive person. And it’s not that I don’t want to make a decision, it’s just that I’ve always looked at things from both sides. (Please know I don’t mean this in a self-righteous way because I don’t. In fact, I wish I weren’t this way every day because as soon as I make my mind up to do something, I second guess it within a day or two…sometimes within a minute or two). This is something I’ve struggled with my entire life, but I think it’s started to get worse since I began my teaching career. Every day I play the Devil’s Advocate for my students when they are learning how to write an effective argument. Over the years, I’ve encouraged students to think about both sides of assisted suicide, animal testing, affirmative action, technology in schools, universal healthcare, reduced funding of arts programs, reduced unemployment benefits, etc, etc, etc. Spending 10 months a year out of the last 4 years on the fence of these controversial issues in my profess

Growing up, I was always puzzled when people would say that someone wanted to “have their cake and eat it, too.” It just seemed like one of those duh statements. Who in their right mind would have cake and not want to eat it? I guess if you were a diabetic, or had a gluten allergy, or if it was a cake made out of crap, then no. You’re right. You should not eat that cake that you have. But wanting to eat the cake that you have seemed so logical to me that for the longest time I thought people used this saying when they wanted to compliment someone. They were saying that these people who have their cake and eat it too were the smartest people around. It did confuse me a little bit because most people seemed to use a negative tone when they said this, and I couldn’t really figure out why someone would be upset with this cake-eating person for doing what seemed to make sense. I guess I assumed that the people who used this saying were just jealous because they didn’t have any cake

An impressive colony of ants has migrated into my kitchen. They’ve apparently had a very successful migration since a few days ago I was only noticing one or two ants foraging around my countertop looking for a crumb to take back to their starving queen and kids. Within a few days, these same ants were having an Ant Independence Day parade across my countertop and up my wall. Based on the flow of traffic, they’ve set up an impressive metropolitan area inside a box of off-brand Frosted Mini-Wheats. It’s crazy to think that just days ago, the charter members of the Kitchen Counter Ant Colony were living such a primitive existence on my kitchen countertops, completely exposed to the elements and the daily attack of the tsunami like force of my dishrag that would sweep them into that menacing black-hole of death (known to you and me as the garbage disposal). Just like everything else in my life, I’ve managed to over-analyze this situation. And because I usually analyze things in the