Like any single girl of a certain age (as my elders like to say…such a loaded statement) I am jealous of my friends who are in long-term, committed relationships, which describes 99.4% of the people in my life right now. But it’s not for the typical reasons. I’m not jealous because they have a permanent date for weddings. I’m not jealous because they never have to go see a movie by themselves, which is actually a great experience if you’ve never done it. And my non-single friends will never have to eat dinner with a book, another strangely pleasant experience (just not on Valentine’s Day). I don’t envy them the roommate (except when the bills come) because I’ve really enjoyed living by myself these last few years. I have the freedom to do Zumba at all hours, sing as loud as I want in the shower, and leave my American Girl doll (Kirsten just in case you’re wondering even though I’m totally a Molly) out on my bookshelf. Now that I think about it, these things might explain why I am still single…
The one thing that I find myself jealous about is that these people can go to dinner with their partner and order whatever the hell they want. They will never go through the horror of another first date ruined by ordering bad first date food. They will never feel a single girl’s anxiety of trying to look dainty while she eats. (No offense fellas, but in my experience, you don’t seem to have any anxiety about what you look like when you’re eating).
I’ve put together a list of foods for my other single lady friends—and my neater and more conscientious single gentlemen friends—that you probably do not want to order on your first date.
1. Corn on the Cob: I’m listing this one first because as a side item, it sneaks up on you. You might agree to it without realizing it or not even know it’s a part of your meal, so be wary. Especially since this food is a double edge sword; not only do you look like an absolute ogre eating it, the chances of it slipping out of your hands are high. The problem with corn on the cob is its shape and girth. Unless you are Steven Tyler or Mick Jagger, it is impossible to take anything but an enormous bite of corn. And after taking this astronomical bite, you will no doubt be left with the infamous corn-butter-dribble that will run down your chin. For the near and farsighted single people, corn that is particularly juicy can wreak havoc as well. One bite can shoot corn and butter residue onto your lenses, which can be a little distracting for you and your date. Even if you successfully enjoy your corn on the cob without dislocating your jaw, dribbling on your chin, or getting corn goo on your glasses, you’ll probably drop it at some point. Butter makes it slippery and as a starch, corn is heavy. If you drop it on your plate, it might splatter other food onto your strategically purchased shirt, or make a huge commotion. If you’re really unfortunate, it could bounce into your lap which is also not cute. In general, avoid corn. It is way too messy and phallic for a first date. There are only a few exceptions to this. If you are a child under the age of 5, a squirrel, or a kitten (refer to visual below) than you can always eat corn. It is endearing. If you aren't under the age of 5, a squirrel, or a kitten and you order it by accident, you can always cut the corn off the cob, but then you might as well gum the corn to death, because you’re going to look like my Grandma Tienee.
Cute:
Cuter:
Cutest:
Less Cute:
2. Spaghetti/Fettuccine/Linguine/Other Long Pastas: Yes I know, Lady and the Tramp had spaghetti on their first date and it was adorable. But Lady and the Tramp were dogs. Dogs also drink out of the toilet and say hi by sniffing each others’ butts. If you are eating this on a first date, you’ll probably spend more time twirling your fork around trying to pick up a manageable bite than you will actually eating. Oh, and watch out for pesto. You will get spinach in your teeth, no questions asked.
3. Sushi: The worst part about sushi is that you’re supposed to eat each piece in either one or two bites depending on the size of the roll. Either way, this is a pretty big bite and you have to chew…for a while. Because of this, sushi leaves a lot of opportunities for uncomfortable silences. Eating the roll in two bites probably won’t end well either, because the seaweed paper is really tough to tear with your teeth. Usually, you’ll end up spilling the contents of your roll onto your tiny plate, and then you’ll have to try and pick it back up with chopsticks, creating a new set of problems if you don’t know how to use them. Then there is the issue of wasabi. If you accidentally get too much of it, you’ll unintentionally clean out your sinuses…at the dinner table. If you have seafood allergies, you’re totally effed. There’s like an 85% chance that you’re going to eat something that will make your throat swell shut, and your date will have to trach you with a chopstick. Another thing to watch out for with sushi is sake. If you make it through the meal without choking, spilling, or dying, you’re probably going to be hammered drunk because you have no idea how to pace yourself with sake. The Japanese sip. Americans chug. Results will vary depending on your drunken tendencies, but they will more than likely be embarrassing.
4. Salads: This isn’t always an embarrassing food. If you like to live on the wild-side, order a salad because it’s pretty hit and miss. It’s kind of like pasta and finding a manageable bite might be difficult. It all depends on the work ethic of the person who made your salad. If they are lazy, the pieces of lettuce will be the size of an end-table and you won’t realize this until it is halfway to your mouth. I’ve had some salads where it’s basically a head of lettuce with some tomatoes and cucumbers sprinkled around it and a side of house dressing. Oh, and cucumbers are not your friend. Cut them in half people.
5. Mexican: If it’s dinner and a movie, avoid this for obvious reasons.
So, as a vegetarian, these are my biggest five. And maybe I’m revealing just how neurotic I actually am, but I’m sure there are people out there who will agree, dinner with an approximate stranger can be a little nerve-wracking. And that is why I am completely jealous of my non-single friends because they are free to eat in public without any qualms. Oh the beauty of unconditional love.
The one thing that I find myself jealous about is that these people can go to dinner with their partner and order whatever the hell they want. They will never go through the horror of another first date ruined by ordering bad first date food. They will never feel a single girl’s anxiety of trying to look dainty while she eats. (No offense fellas, but in my experience, you don’t seem to have any anxiety about what you look like when you’re eating).
I’ve put together a list of foods for my other single lady friends—and my neater and more conscientious single gentlemen friends—that you probably do not want to order on your first date.
1. Corn on the Cob: I’m listing this one first because as a side item, it sneaks up on you. You might agree to it without realizing it or not even know it’s a part of your meal, so be wary. Especially since this food is a double edge sword; not only do you look like an absolute ogre eating it, the chances of it slipping out of your hands are high. The problem with corn on the cob is its shape and girth. Unless you are Steven Tyler or Mick Jagger, it is impossible to take anything but an enormous bite of corn. And after taking this astronomical bite, you will no doubt be left with the infamous corn-butter-dribble that will run down your chin. For the near and farsighted single people, corn that is particularly juicy can wreak havoc as well. One bite can shoot corn and butter residue onto your lenses, which can be a little distracting for you and your date. Even if you successfully enjoy your corn on the cob without dislocating your jaw, dribbling on your chin, or getting corn goo on your glasses, you’ll probably drop it at some point. Butter makes it slippery and as a starch, corn is heavy. If you drop it on your plate, it might splatter other food onto your strategically purchased shirt, or make a huge commotion. If you’re really unfortunate, it could bounce into your lap which is also not cute. In general, avoid corn. It is way too messy and phallic for a first date. There are only a few exceptions to this. If you are a child under the age of 5, a squirrel, or a kitten (refer to visual below) than you can always eat corn. It is endearing. If you aren't under the age of 5, a squirrel, or a kitten and you order it by accident, you can always cut the corn off the cob, but then you might as well gum the corn to death, because you’re going to look like my Grandma Tienee.
Cute:
Cuter:
Cutest:
Less Cute:
2. Spaghetti/Fettuccine/Linguine/Other Long Pastas: Yes I know, Lady and the Tramp had spaghetti on their first date and it was adorable. But Lady and the Tramp were dogs. Dogs also drink out of the toilet and say hi by sniffing each others’ butts. If you are eating this on a first date, you’ll probably spend more time twirling your fork around trying to pick up a manageable bite than you will actually eating. Oh, and watch out for pesto. You will get spinach in your teeth, no questions asked.
3. Sushi: The worst part about sushi is that you’re supposed to eat each piece in either one or two bites depending on the size of the roll. Either way, this is a pretty big bite and you have to chew…for a while. Because of this, sushi leaves a lot of opportunities for uncomfortable silences. Eating the roll in two bites probably won’t end well either, because the seaweed paper is really tough to tear with your teeth. Usually, you’ll end up spilling the contents of your roll onto your tiny plate, and then you’ll have to try and pick it back up with chopsticks, creating a new set of problems if you don’t know how to use them. Then there is the issue of wasabi. If you accidentally get too much of it, you’ll unintentionally clean out your sinuses…at the dinner table. If you have seafood allergies, you’re totally effed. There’s like an 85% chance that you’re going to eat something that will make your throat swell shut, and your date will have to trach you with a chopstick. Another thing to watch out for with sushi is sake. If you make it through the meal without choking, spilling, or dying, you’re probably going to be hammered drunk because you have no idea how to pace yourself with sake. The Japanese sip. Americans chug. Results will vary depending on your drunken tendencies, but they will more than likely be embarrassing.
4. Salads: This isn’t always an embarrassing food. If you like to live on the wild-side, order a salad because it’s pretty hit and miss. It’s kind of like pasta and finding a manageable bite might be difficult. It all depends on the work ethic of the person who made your salad. If they are lazy, the pieces of lettuce will be the size of an end-table and you won’t realize this until it is halfway to your mouth. I’ve had some salads where it’s basically a head of lettuce with some tomatoes and cucumbers sprinkled around it and a side of house dressing. Oh, and cucumbers are not your friend. Cut them in half people.
5. Mexican: If it’s dinner and a movie, avoid this for obvious reasons.
So, as a vegetarian, these are my biggest five. And maybe I’m revealing just how neurotic I actually am, but I’m sure there are people out there who will agree, dinner with an approximate stranger can be a little nerve-wracking. And that is why I am completely jealous of my non-single friends because they are free to eat in public without any qualms. Oh the beauty of unconditional love.
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