Watching Jersey Shore Was Like Watching Really Tan Paint Dry While It Smoked Virginia Slims and Started a Bunch of Fights
I know that the world is cynical and jaded and it doesn’t need me adding to that with a snarky blog. I know that I could find something joyful and positive to write about. But I experienced something this weekend that has made me forget about life’s small pleasures and the beauty that humanity is capable of. I watched Jersey Shore for the first time in my life. Sure, I’ve seen highlights before (Snooki getting punched by that high school gym teacher in a bar), but I’d never sat down and watched an entire episode. This weekend, I watched two episodes…I think. It could have been six episodes because time seems to pass differently when I’m watching Pauly D. and Mike “The Situation” spray cologne on their appendages and then make out with two girls at the same time in the Ladies’ (and I use this term lightly) Room. Plus, two hours feels like an eternity when you’re with Snooki and JWoww.
Since I’ve only seen two episodes, I might not be qualified to comment on the show as a whole, but I’m going to anyway. And since the only people that will be offended by this are the actual cast members (and I doubt they spend much time on the blogosphere or reading), I feel okay about this decision. I don’t want to say that it was a surreal experience, because that would be giving the show a sense of substance that it doesn’t have, but I could not believe what I was watching.
This was the basic premise of both episodes that I watched (which took place in Miami Beach by the way). Everybody wakes up in the middle of the day in their disgusting house. All of the DTF girls that The Situation, Pauly D, and Vinny brought home from the club last night leave while Snooki and JWoww glare at them. Ronnie wears stupid sunglasses while he and Sammi break up, get back together, break up, and then finally decide to stay together so they can break up on the next episode. JWoww starts a fight and then blames it on Snooki who smokes a lot of Virginia Slims (which make her look shorter than she already is) while wearing a T-shirt with no pants, and a trucker hat. Hot tub. Large slabs of meat are cooked. Everyone eats and yells at each other. JWoww says “friend is a deep word,” and everything is better. The Situation, Pauly D, and Vinny put (Ed Hardy) shirts on for the first time all day, and go out to look for girls that are DTF again. GTL, wash (unless it was spray tanning), and repeat.
I might be wrong. Like I said, I only watched two episodes, but I talked to a few Jersey Shore watchers before I started writing this. (They didn’t want to be called fans because that would be like saying there are Train Wreck fans, so watchers it is). But, after only 2 episodes (actually after only 1 episode, the 2nd one was simply because I couldn’t look away), I’ve come to the following conclusion:
I hate almost everything about Jersey Shore.
1. Nothing happens (that really matters). I feel like I’m watching someone else play The Sims, except I can connect more to Sims Avatars than I can to the cast members of Jersey Shore. I’m able to muster more empathy when a negligent Sims player doesn’t send their avatar to the restroom, and the avatar does that painful looking pee-pee dance than when Snooki cries because The Situation called her fat. And I actually feel like more is accomplished and learned when people play The Sims than when they watch Jersey Shore.
2. I need the Urban Dictionary to understand what’s going on. I needed clarification for the following terms (which I will not explain here…if you need an explanation, you may refer to the Urban Dictionary as well): DTF, Blow-out, GTL, Grenades, and Landmines. This doesn’t seem like enough terms to keep me from understanding an hour long show, but you also have to consider how many times these terms are used within that hour (it’s a lot).
3. Everyone cusses a lot. I work with public high school students. I grew up listening to Rage Against the Machine. I am not easily offended by cuss words. But it’s very distracting when every other word is bleeped out. (Fortunately, nothing important is ever being said, so you don't miss much, but still...it's annoying). Of course, this only happens when the cast gets angry.
4. Everyone is angry…all the time.
5. Each cast member makes approximately $30,000 per episode. It was much less than this, but The Situation led a strike to raise everyone’s wages. (Actually, The Situation made 5 million dollars last year). So, I watched 120 minutes of people doing nothing while being paid $60,000…I could work for two years at my job, and not make $60,000. Instead of going to college, I should have just started tanning, smoking, buying biggish T-shirts and trucker hats, and working on an obnoxiously over-the-top Jersey accent.
6. Both Snooki and The Situation have book deals.
7. I’m already dreading the reunion show.
So, that’s pretty much it. If I watched another episode, I’m sure this list could get longer. Actually, I’m not sure because it seems like every episode is the same.
I wasn't eager to get on the "I Hate Jersey Shore" bandwagon and my hipster tendencies made me want to find something ironic that I could appreciate. And I don’t hate everything about the show. Pauly D’s hair amazes me in the same way as one of those ant death circles—I just can’t stop watching it while wondering “how did this happen?” I also respect Snooki, JWoww, and Sammi’s ability to always be wearing eyeliner, but it's all too little, too late; they don't balance out the negatives. Other than those two things, I hate the show.
ant death circle
Pauly D's step-by-step explanation of his hair
(The similarities between these two are obvious...and over 2 million people have watched Pauly D fix his hair...seriously).
I feel like Jersey Shore's popularity is symbolic of (and possibly directly responsible for) our current cultural and economic decline. But, even if our future is shallow, at least it's wicked tan.
Since I’ve only seen two episodes, I might not be qualified to comment on the show as a whole, but I’m going to anyway. And since the only people that will be offended by this are the actual cast members (and I doubt they spend much time on the blogosphere or reading), I feel okay about this decision. I don’t want to say that it was a surreal experience, because that would be giving the show a sense of substance that it doesn’t have, but I could not believe what I was watching.
This was the basic premise of both episodes that I watched (which took place in Miami Beach by the way). Everybody wakes up in the middle of the day in their disgusting house. All of the DTF girls that The Situation, Pauly D, and Vinny brought home from the club last night leave while Snooki and JWoww glare at them. Ronnie wears stupid sunglasses while he and Sammi break up, get back together, break up, and then finally decide to stay together so they can break up on the next episode. JWoww starts a fight and then blames it on Snooki who smokes a lot of Virginia Slims (which make her look shorter than she already is) while wearing a T-shirt with no pants, and a trucker hat. Hot tub. Large slabs of meat are cooked. Everyone eats and yells at each other. JWoww says “friend is a deep word,” and everything is better. The Situation, Pauly D, and Vinny put (Ed Hardy) shirts on for the first time all day, and go out to look for girls that are DTF again. GTL, wash (unless it was spray tanning), and repeat.
I might be wrong. Like I said, I only watched two episodes, but I talked to a few Jersey Shore watchers before I started writing this. (They didn’t want to be called fans because that would be like saying there are Train Wreck fans, so watchers it is). But, after only 2 episodes (actually after only 1 episode, the 2nd one was simply because I couldn’t look away), I’ve come to the following conclusion:
I hate almost everything about Jersey Shore.
1. Nothing happens (that really matters). I feel like I’m watching someone else play The Sims, except I can connect more to Sims Avatars than I can to the cast members of Jersey Shore. I’m able to muster more empathy when a negligent Sims player doesn’t send their avatar to the restroom, and the avatar does that painful looking pee-pee dance than when Snooki cries because The Situation called her fat. And I actually feel like more is accomplished and learned when people play The Sims than when they watch Jersey Shore.
2. I need the Urban Dictionary to understand what’s going on. I needed clarification for the following terms (which I will not explain here…if you need an explanation, you may refer to the Urban Dictionary as well): DTF, Blow-out, GTL, Grenades, and Landmines. This doesn’t seem like enough terms to keep me from understanding an hour long show, but you also have to consider how many times these terms are used within that hour (it’s a lot).
3. Everyone cusses a lot. I work with public high school students. I grew up listening to Rage Against the Machine. I am not easily offended by cuss words. But it’s very distracting when every other word is bleeped out. (Fortunately, nothing important is ever being said, so you don't miss much, but still...it's annoying). Of course, this only happens when the cast gets angry.
4. Everyone is angry…all the time.
5. Each cast member makes approximately $30,000 per episode. It was much less than this, but The Situation led a strike to raise everyone’s wages. (Actually, The Situation made 5 million dollars last year). So, I watched 120 minutes of people doing nothing while being paid $60,000…I could work for two years at my job, and not make $60,000. Instead of going to college, I should have just started tanning, smoking, buying biggish T-shirts and trucker hats, and working on an obnoxiously over-the-top Jersey accent.
6. Both Snooki and The Situation have book deals.
7. I’m already dreading the reunion show.
So, that’s pretty much it. If I watched another episode, I’m sure this list could get longer. Actually, I’m not sure because it seems like every episode is the same.
I wasn't eager to get on the "I Hate Jersey Shore" bandwagon and my hipster tendencies made me want to find something ironic that I could appreciate. And I don’t hate everything about the show. Pauly D’s hair amazes me in the same way as one of those ant death circles—I just can’t stop watching it while wondering “how did this happen?” I also respect Snooki, JWoww, and Sammi’s ability to always be wearing eyeliner, but it's all too little, too late; they don't balance out the negatives. Other than those two things, I hate the show.
ant death circle
Pauly D's step-by-step explanation of his hair
(The similarities between these two are obvious...and over 2 million people have watched Pauly D fix his hair...seriously).
I feel like Jersey Shore's popularity is symbolic of (and possibly directly responsible for) our current cultural and economic decline. But, even if our future is shallow, at least it's wicked tan.
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