The Basketball Blues

Living in North Carolina during March can be tough, especially if you aren't a basketball fan. And if you tell someone in North Carolina that you don't like basketball, they act like you've just said that you don't like Cheerwine, Krispy Kreme, or Jesus. In North Carolina people don't just love basketball. They devour it. They plan their entire month of March around it, scheduling surgeries during the NCAA tournament so they can miss work and watch basketball, or unscheduling birthday parties and weddings so they can do the same.They indoctrinate their children and dress them in onesies and bibs dedicated to a specific team. They raise flags in their yards, and put stickers on their cars in support of their team. They wear the same color everyday for weeks and talk junk to friends, family, coworkers, strangers in line at the pharmacy. It's called March Madness for a reason.

Trying to explain why I don't like March Madness is difficult. Before I started teaching, it wasn't that I hated basketball or March Madness. I was pretty indifferent about it. There was even one year that I filled out a bracket (after being encouraged by a sports fanatic boyfriend at the time). While some of the guys on his dorm hall spent hours studying statistics and rankings, I made all my decisions based on the mascots and who I thought would win in a fight to the death. My bracket was pretty awesome and if Wilmington had beaten Maryland that year, it would have been epic. But even when I filled out a bracket, I didn't really watch the games. And it's not because I'm feeding into some weird "I'm a girl and I like pink, and unicorns, and I want to live in a house shaped like a cupcake." I've just only ever been interested in sports that I understand, and I only understand sports that I've either A.) played personally (and I don't think rollerblading down the big hill in my neighborhood or typing 120 WPM count as a sport), or B.) owned a video game that loosely emulates that particular sport. NHL 99 and NFL Blitz are the reasons why I like hockey and football. The only basketball video game I ever had was Double Dribble for Nintendo. I could never beat my brother or the computer, so I didn't enjoy playing it. Games like Dr. Mario and Paperboy were more my speed, and I think that's why I never got into basketball. (If only colleges had a Tetris team and we could fill out a bracket about that).

My intense hatred for March Madness didn't come about until I started teaching. March is a tough month for teachers anyway. It's that perpetually long chunk of school days where the students are exceptionally impossible as they anticipate Spring Break with all the fibers of their beings. The days have gotten longer so our students stay out and up later. Warmer weather makes them act crazy and it makes a lot of the young ladies (used lightly in this context) forget to wear clothes...which leads to further distraction for many other students. And on top of it all, every day I have to explain to at least 3 kids why we can't watch basketball in my English class. My stock answer that explains "how the state has created a curriculum that doesn't allow for unrelated and irrelevant activities like basketball because we have a lot of material to cover in the next 10-12 weeks," has quit working. Now I've just started lying. I tell my students that I'm allergic to basketball and it makes my throat swell up and unless any of them have an EpiPen or feel qualified to trach me, they can forget it. I tell them that the sound of the basketball shoes squeaking against the court gives me seizures and makes me lose control of my bladder and bowels. Or that the stress of the game gives me anxiety attacks and I become suddenly and violently homicidal. Or that I went to college on a basketball scholarship and then tore my ACL during our first practice, and I have yet to get over the emotional pain of that missed opportunity. Or that I had a sweet, sweet labrodor named Betsy when I was a kid who died in a tragic accident involving a basketball and a storm drain. Sadly, these excuses have started to work better than my logical and true answer.

But if I'm being honest, I think I hate March Madness because it means I can't participate in most of the conversations that happen in the teacher workroom, in the line at the post office, or while waiting for the decaf to brew at the coffee shop. March Madness means that for a month, I won't understand what some of my favorite people are talking about...at all. It means I'm forced to just stand there and listen to people talk junk, and spit out statistics. I listen to endless conversations about brackets [which in my world still remains a very helpful and manipulative form of punctuation]. In other words, I'm sad that I cannot participate in this passionate and widespread community. As much as I hate March Madness for taking things like Ellen and the attention of my third period class from me, I respect what it does. March Madness equalizes people and allows them to communicate with someone they might have nothing else in common with. Basketball (and sports in general) can be common ground for people who ordinarily would just argue about politics or religion. People are united by the existence of a common enemy (the other team), or they are brought together by a geniune love for the game.

Me personally, I just want to understand what "and one" means. If March Madness were more like Space Jam, I could totally hang.