Using Hands-Free When Your Hands Are Free

I know that I live in the modern, virtual world. I understand that more than half of the things that I do exist in a way that is completely abstract and intangible and wouldn’t even have existed 100 years ago. (What would I have done 100 years ago with all that time? What would I have been capable of?) Despite my love of Jane Austen characters, I have accepted this fact and I enjoy the conveniences that come along with all of this. But there is one thing that I just cannot accept as a part of this modern world. There is one thing that makes me say, “We’ve come too far.” No, it’s not space travel and the trillions of dollars that we spend on it. No, it’s not modern day weapons of mass destruction (nevermind the idea that according to the late, great, and exceptionally angry Bill Hicks we could, “take all that money that we spend on weapons and defense each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded,”). It’s not even the fact that I could buy a box of Smores Pop-Tarts today and eat them when I am 62 with little to no serious side effects. I have accepted all of this with a sad, pragmatic heart. But if I have to experience one more awkward encounter with someone who is using a Bluetooth, I just might lose it.

Now, I understand that for my friends in the more progressive northeastern states (hows you’se guys dooin) there isn’t a choice in the matter. You are required by law to use the Bluetooth in order to talk on the phone in your car. I think this is perfectly fine. In fact I think this is great. There is no telling how many lives the Bluetooth has saved in these states! And since Oprah has recently started an anti-using-the-phone-while-driving-campaign, a bill will be passed in the House and Senate quicker than you can say “Stedman.” Plus, I don’t have to be in your car when you are using the Bluetooth, and since really and truly it’s all about me (and you of course) then there is absolutely no problem. I don’t mind that you are picking your nose in your car (but p.s. we can all still see you), I don’t mind that you are farting in your car, and I don’t mind that you are listening to Nickelback in your car, so why would I mind that you are using your Bluetooth in your car? These are all activities that I don’t have to be a part of. I am nestled safely in the microcosm that is my own car, away from your farts, boogers, bad music, and Bluetooth usage. But if you were to do any of these things in an elevator, on a bus, in line at the grocery store, in the waiting room at the dentist’s office, at a restaurant, then we start to have a problem. This is when I start to hate the Bluetooth a lot, and the person using it just a little bit.

Let me explain. Talking on the phone in very public places, especially public places that are a little more intimate like a line or elevator where you are forced to stand closers to strangers than usual can be a little awkward to begin with. Suddenly, I have become a part of someone’s conversation and I have no choice in the matter. But when a cell phone is being used, at least I know that there is actually another person on the other end of the conversation. The physical act of phone-to-ear reminds me of that, and depending on how close I am standing to this person I can actually hear the reciprocation, the give-and-take of conversation. With the Blue Tooth, there is no proof that there is actually another person involved. There is no phone-to-ear indication and the Bluetooth can’t be heard by anybody but the person using it. It’s these two features combined that cause you to do a double take, and make you ask yourself for a split second “Was he asking me if I needed him to pick up some milk while he’s out? How am I supposed to know if he needs milk?”

I guess it just makes me sad that we live in a world where isolationism is so accepted and complete that we can now go to the grocery store and stand in line and talk to ourselves. We already don’t have to talk to the check-out girl or answer the question “Paper or plastic?” because of the self-check-out stations. But now it’s entirely okay to stand in line and rattle on and on enthusiastically to ourselves, talking out to some great void unabashedly. 100 years ago these people would be called crazy. Now they are considered busy. And I know it’s only going to get worse. As more and more people become public Bluetooth users, our society will soon grow accustomed to seeing people walk around talking to themselves. Good news crazy people! Your day has come! Just buy a Bluetooth, and no one will ever question you again! You are free to be yourselves, to give into your natural whims! (And there’s the silver lining).