W.A.P.R.H.A.S.T.P.S.C.M.E. (Women Against Public Restroom Hoverers And Superfluous Toilet Paper Seat Cover Makers Everywhere)

Public restrooms are not exactly my favorite place to be, for obvious reasons, but something is happening that is making them almost unbearable. I am speaking not only from the perspective of a lady that has to use public restrooms, but also as a former retail and food industry employee that had to clean them. Either way, something has to give. Ladies: you have got to stop with the hovering.

I understand that I am offending some of you. I am stepping on your toes. I am making you gasp and roll your eyes. Please just hear me out.

I went to Target today to buy something aesthetically pleasing and minimally useful when I realized Sweet Baby Moses, (in a wicker basket…floating down the Nile) I had to pee. I’m really bad about drinking a gallon of water and forgetting that my bladder is only so big. Plus, many of my closest friends and family members know that my bladder control is only so-so. There was an incident with a giant hug from my giant cousin Wesley that ended with me being called Tink for a couple weeks, and then a very mortifying (but hilarious) experience in kindergarten when a kid named Charles Kearse hit me in the bladder with a dodge-ball…I peed on the blacktop.

So anyway, I rushed to the restroom at the front of the store at a less than dignified pace and was very upset by what I found in the ladies room. (Before you read on, please know that I BY NO MEANS HOLD ANY TARGET TEAM MEMBER RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I FOUND IN THE RESTROOM! As a former retail and food industry employee, I understand the frustration and impossibility of keeping the public restrooms clean at all times). There were 3 available stalls, so my options were open. I usually use the bathroom closest to the door because research has proven that fewer people actually use the first stall (I have no idea why) so it tends to be cleaner. Well today was definitely the exception. In that stall, some lovely and ladylike hoverer apparently didn’t have the strength in her quads to aim, and she had left a little on the seat. Letting out an absolutely pathetic whimper, I went for door number two. And that's when the situation turned dismal. Apparently the grandmother of the hoverer from door number one had used this stall…and her legs and aim were even weaker. It looked like someone had performed some type of exorcism on this toilet. There was urine everywhere.

This is my problem ladies. The reason why you feel the need to hover is because of people that hover. If everyone would just have a seat, nobody would miss, and there wouldn’t be pee on the seat! Yes, I understand that I am asking you to place your bottom on a public toilet seat. Of course most of you that are familiar with my personal hygiene and patchouli consumption from college won’t be surprised by this. But in my defense (and I will remind you that as an adult, my hygiene has increased and therefore my patchouli intake has decreased) Dateline actually did a study about the germiest things that we come in contact with. Public toilet seats (sans hoverers) didn’t even make the list. Money, keys, and cell phones were the grossest and these are things that I see a lot of people put in their mouths! So please, do all of us non-hoverers a favor and have a seat; take a load off! Or at least do some Pilates so you can squat over the toilet without peeing everywhere. Or how about this, we’ll compromise. If you decide to hover, just make sure you clean up after yourself. Easy enough! It's a self-perpetuating problem and only you can break that chain!

So back to my conundrum. I figured door number three was my shot. My last chance. I flung the door open with one hand on my belt buckle only to find that some germaphobic whore had made herself a little toilet seat cover with 7 meters of toilet paper. Not only did she not bother to push this into the toilet when she was done with it to flush it down, she had also peed on the seat. Seriously? Seriously? You made a toilet seat cover AND hovered? Really? Is there some e-mail forward going around about someone putting hydrochloric acid or anthrax on public toilet seats? Is it some type of gang initiation and now there are groups of people who not only refuse to help other motorists who have forgotten to turn their headlights on, but they are also terrified of public toilets?



I thought about using the toilet paper that the woman had so kindly left on the seat for me to clean up after her, but then I realized that the toilet probably wouldn’t flush with 6 pounds of t.p. in it. I know that nothing is worse for the person who cleans public restrooms than a stopped up toilet. (Don't believe me? Ask me to tell you some stories about the bathroom of the bar I worked at in Boone. Especially after a Friday or Saturday night. Just make sure you aren't eating...or hungry). I made a quick decision and ran back to door number one.

I guess I should be thankful and see the silver lining. Getting to wipe up a complete stranger’s urine from a public toilet is such a humbling experience. It really keeps me grounded which I definitely need considering my illustrious career as a high school English teacher. With our ridiculously high salaries, and vaunted senses of self-worth supported by the unbiased and scandal-starved American media, it’s hard for me to keep my feet on the ground. Public restrooms are such an equalizer.

But no really…stop hovering or start cleaning up after yourselves ladies. Please?