Southerners and Snow

Today, the ancient lady that was in front of me in line at Harris Teeter kept turning around and saying, “Global warming my fo-ot (said with two syllables).” My response was the same the first two times she said it. “I’m not really a scientist, but I think colder winters are a part of it.” Then I downgraded to “oh,” and “yeah,” and “uh-huh,” and “amen.”

She had plenty of time to accost me because the line was as expansive as Poe’s syntax. (Google “The Fall of the House of Usher” and try to read the first sentence in one, natural-sounding breath). Her gem-toned wind-suit/turtle neck combination told me that she probably only left the house when it was truly necessary, and the prescription of her glasses made me pray that her younger, sprightlier husband was waiting for her in the driver seat of their Mercury Sable.

She was surely a part of the Senior Citizens' Discount crowd that got their grocery shopping done every Thursday morning at 7am, sharp. What type of an emergency would bring this semi-sweet/senile lady out to a chaotic grocery store on a busy Sunday afternoon? Well, if you have to ask then you either A.) don’t live in the South and/or B.) haven’t watched a local news or weather channel in the last 16-20 days.

If you had, you would know about the impending SNOWPOCALYPSE that is (maybe) headed our way in the next 24 hours.

Southerners and snow. I think an entire anthropological and sociological study could be done about this hilarious, sentimental, and oft-disastrous combination. Since I double-majored in both of these for about 6 weeks (this was after Creative Writing and before Spanish), I obnoxiously feel capable of doing so myself. Also, as a southerner, I have a worm’s eye view (do worms have eyes?). So before you snowed-in-southerners get all maddy-poo, remember I am, at one time, guilty of all of the things I’m about to mock. But that doesn’t make them any less true.

In true Bible-Belt southern fashion, we people below the Mason-Dixon Line are in awe of the beauty of snow, yet we fear its power and wrath. You northerners just don’t understand. When you get snow, your local and state governments are used to it. Roads are salted and plowed in time for the morning commute. Power-lines have been built to withstand the brunt of the storm. Contractors didn’t stupidly plant Bradford Pear trees in every yard 20 years ago which will splinter to pieces after the first three flakes fall, bringing power-lines and insurance policies down with them. Banks and schools stay open. Grocery stores don’t run out of food. In other words, Life goes on. But we southerners are accustomed to warmer winters. We don’t know how to handle two inches of snow, so we tend to adopt a “Better safe than sorry,” policy; if we shut down EVERYTHING, people will be less likely to leave their homes and therefore less likely to run their Toyota Tercel into a ditch. It’s really quite effective, and it also explains why the oldest woman in the world was at the grocery store today. When it snows, people in the south don’t leave their homes...period.




I understand the panic. I can empathize. But 4ish years in Boone (stop judging me…again, I experimented with many majors) changed my reaction to snowfall. My sophomore year alone, Boone saw about 30” of snow which is twice the annual average and about 10 times the amount we usually see in the Piedmont. At first, it didn’t make sense to me. It was snowing outside and things were still happening. Classes were going on, buses were running, people were driving, shopping, eating, working, leaving their houses. It took a lot more than 2 inches of snow to constitute being “snowed in.” Main roads were salted and plowed with ninja like speed and everybody went on with their lives. Sure, it was still possible to get snowed in, especially if you lived in a holler or on some windy mountain road, but it took a lot more than a “dusting of snow” to bring the crowds to the grocery stores for their milk, bread, and eggs. (Sometimes I wonder if some people only buy milk, bread, and eggs when it’s snowy…and why do people do that? Does snow make people want egg sandwiches? If the power goes out, the milk and eggs will go bad…of course you could just put your perishables outside to keep them cold…holy ADHD).

So now I’ve returned to the Piedmont where snow is still a novelty because it rarely happens...well, besides the last two winters. We just don't know and understand snow the way northerners do. We are intrigued by snow, yet we fear what we don't know and understand. No matter how excited we are about the snow, it makes us uneasy. But to a northerner, it would seem like we southerners were expecting some type of nuclear snow and that we were all headed home to bunker down in our fall-out shelters for the next 6-8 months. A northerner would see the panic (mixed in with excitement) and assume that a blizzard was headed our way, but no, it’s a measly 1-4 inches. In our defense, my northern brethren, 1-4 inches is just as good as a blizzard here in North Carolina because we simply don’t know how to function in the snow. Southerners in the snow are kind of like a cat that you put in a bathtub full of water; it's cute, a little pathetic, and in the end you can't help but say "bless their hearts." We know how to make good sweet tea and we will make you feel real welcome, but snow is just not our forte. If you want to be able to empathize with us, let me know and I can take you to a tractor pull in the near future. I think you’d probably shut down for a couple days as well.

So, there’s a 100% chance of snow tomorrow. Which also means there’s a 100% chance that everyone who works at a supermarket in the Piedmont of North Carolina had a busy day today. More people could make an egg sandwich tonight and wash it down with a glass of cold milk than could this morning. Students and teachers alike will stay up later than usual, anticipating a “better safe than sorry” snow-day that will be announced before the first flake even falls. And if anything newsworthy happens in the next 72 hours, no one will know about it because all of the local channels will be covering “Winter Wasteland 2011” [insert some other terrifying, hyperbolic, and kitschy name here].

I can’t deny that I felt a little self-righteous today watching people push their cumbersome grocery carts piled high with the food they planned on getting “snowed in” with. I carried my little basket that held some pasta, capers, and lemons, all that I needed to make dinner tonight. I know that I won’t likely get “snowed in” for more than two days, and I can’t imagine not being able to survive for more than two days off the food in my apartment now. But karmically speaking, because I wrote a slightly dismissive and sarcastic blog about southerners’ overreaction to winter weather, this will be some blizzard of epic proportions followed by three solid inches of ice. I’ll lose power, heat, my pipes will freeze and bust, the tree in the middle of the parking lot will fall on my car, and then my insurance won’t cover it because it will be an “act of God” and then I’ll lose my job because I can’t drive to work. Then I’ll be homeless, all because of a blogpost.

But…there will be sledding.